


figure eights

by withoutwords



Series: Ballum Tumblr Fics [19]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 02:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30014538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: They can pretend this isn’t a hotel room, and Callum’s not hiding his wedding ring, and Ben’s not a total idiot for being here.“Why are you doing this?”
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ballum Tumblr Fics [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2040865
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	figure eights

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt "Why are you doing this?"

They’re still twisted around each other in the afterglow. The sheets are like rope at Ben’s feet, and his waist, and he could fall asleep like this if he didn’t have somewhere to be. Callum’s drawing patterns on Ben’s back with gentle fingers, and pressing his mouth against Ben’s head, and it’s quiet and nice and addictive.

“You still got that meeting?” Callum asks into the silence of the room. There’s light filtered through from the bathroom; splashing yellow and orange and grey across their skin.

If this moment were a picture he would frame it.

“Yeah. Half eight.”

“We should get some sleep then.”

“Should we, old man?”

Callum pinches at his belly, making Ben hiss. “Shut up.”

Ben pushes him back, pushes and wrestles until Callum’s flat on his back, his ridiculous thighs trapping Ben close to him. Ben musses his hair, and Callum slaps at Ben’s arse, and they’re grinning at each other like this is some kind of normal. Like they can pretend this isn’t a hotel room, and Callum’s not hiding his wedding ring, and Ben’s not a total idiot for being here.

“Why are you doing this?” he hears himself ask, watching the smile slip slowly from Callum’s face.

“What d’ya mean?”

“I mean … I know why I’m doing this. I like you, a lot, and I like what we’ve got here - ”

“Me too, I - ”

“But why are you doing it? Ya gay, bi, Ben-sexual, whatever. You can’t disappoint Whit, sure. But apart from all that. When it’s just you and me.”

Callum just flounders like a fish, trying again and again to work out the words and failing. “I,” he says, then again, “I,” and Ben sits up, above him, straddling his hips.

“Is it ‘cause I’m easy? You can get what you need from me, and don’t need to go looking?”

“No!” Callum protests, sitting up now too; Ben on his lap and his fingers dug into the flesh of his thighs. “It ain’t like that, you know it ain’t.”

“Do I?”

“Yes. I don’t - it’s hard for me, yeah? Trying to talk about how I feel about you, about men … it’s’ really hard for me.”

“I get that,” Ben says, reaching a hand out to tilt Callum’s face up by his chin. He caresses the soft skin of his throat, fingers splayed wide and thumb at his adam’s apple. It dips nervously. “But it’s me. I know what you’re going through.”

“I know … ”

Ben ducks his head in to kiss Callum, open mouthed and slow. He still tastes like Ben, like sex, and it’s almost enough to get Ben going again. They’re so good at this, at everything - but he never knows how much Callum sees. What he wants to see.

“I like you a lot, too,” Callum says quietly, his arms around Ben’s back now, holding him close. He still won’t meet Ben’s eye, but Ben doesn’t push. “I like this. Us. When we’re together I feel …”

Callum sighs and shakes his head. Ben kisses his temple. “It’s alright.”

“No - I - I feel like me. Y’know? I thought I knew who I was, or who I wanted to be, but … then I met you. And we kissed. And … it changed everything. You changed everything.”

Ben holds Callum’s face in two hands, kissing his cheek now, his chin, then his mouth. Callum opens for it, groans into it, and there’s so much more of what they are but this is the best language Ben knows. Sex, and trust, and intimacy.

He never thought he’d get it so good. Not again.

“I like you, Ben,” Callum pants into the minute space between their mouths, dragging dull nails down Ben’s back, sinking his hands into whatever he can. “I like you a lot, you gotta know that, this ain’t, this ain’t nothing.”

“Yeah,” Ben agrees, then, “Yeah,” as Callum flips him onto his back and digs his teeth into Ben’s shoulder. 

Ben knows. He has for a long time. But it’s Callum who’s gotta know it, and see it, and feel it. It’s Callum who’s gotta be in this with Ben. 

He might move on one day. Out of hiding, out of his marriage, out of a life that doesn’t make him feel real.

But he can’t move on without Ben.

Ben won’t survive it.

“I like you, too.”

Like. Like, like, (love).


End file.
